Who, Me? Yep. You.

It's so easy to be affected by what's going on around you. It's really easy to be affected by those whom you've chosen to take your ques from. And it's super easy to fall into negative thought patterns affected by both of these and neither of them actually...care. 

Sucks, huh?

Well... get ready to take full responsibility for what is going on in your life.  

Get ready to be the most powerful person in your life.

It all started a week ago Monday. I emailed my three ladies I needed references from. Of course C answers back:

"[is this the] career that is 'exceedingly, abundantly above all you could think or ask', is NOT at the mercy of any capricious or uncertain external power, but according to the power that works within? So, since your future is entirely within your own control, go get your dream job Ann!"

Um, huh? 

I sat staring at my computer. Her question was looming at me. I simply hung my head in shame. No. Absolutely not. This job was absolutely not the abundantly above and beyond. In fact I haven't even given the above and beyond a second thought. Above and beyond?! I just needed a paycheck! GAH!!

This wasn't me. This isn't who I am. How could I have allowed myself to get to this place? Believing that money, a paycheck, is more important than the very depth and breath of living the life I was created for? Or that money was my ultimate goal, for that matter?

So what if I kept getting feedback "you need more time and experience"?! Then what about having the 'above and beyond while getting more time and experience job' while still pursuing the dream job?

I'd completely lost sight of my potential, my purpose, my power. 

  

How am I getting it back? OK... I won't keep you hanging. I was secretly considering leaving you wondering until tomorrow, but I'm just not that cruel :) 

Said conversation was on Monday and it took through Friday to finally wake up. I had the interview and it was everything I loath {we're not going there}. I got home that afternoon feeling complete despair. Wanting to wallow in self pity and sort of feeling comfortable there. I decided to do one of my favorite things and take a bath... I picked up my O Magazine and commenced reading my most favorite authors. 

The theme? "10 Things" to apply to every aspect of your life you can think of for the the next 10 years of your life to continue your success {or, you know, something like that}

I got out of the tub and I was completely renewed. I felt pumped up. It had reminded me that I was the only one in control of my destiny. I opened my email and C had emailed me "How was the interview?" I hadn't even emailed her because I was so disappointed. This was my response: 

"I just read all my O favorites from this month and I feel so inspired. I've got all kinds of outlandish ideas going through my mind from "interviewing random people in E************ about what they feel their overall life's emotional temperature is and submitting an article to our local newspaper to advertise myself as a therapist" to paying for a front page spot with my picture saying "See this face? She needs a job and wants to work for you!" HA!

Either way, it's getting my emotions to shift from feeling so hopeless to laughing and not taking all this so seriously! I am going to do something different every day this week than I have been. I'm going to get myself up early, exercise, go to our local coffee shop, write, study my lessons, go to the library and read some inspiring stories of people, blog, just not pursue a job whatsoever.

You know what I thought about before I got into the tub tonight? I remember all my friends saying I'd find the man of my dreams when I wasn't looking for it. I feel the same is for a job -- If I surround myself with contentment, joy, peace and all around positivity, it HAS to come to me!!!!!!!!" 

It's the truth. I'll tell you what I've been doing, the challenges I face and how it's been working. There's so much more. I hope you'll join me.

why have I not been driven to drink?

You know how they say doctors are the worst patients? No? Well, they are. I might add add 'counselors make the worst clients'. We are educated and skilled at seeing through the surface stuff, analyzing and conceptualizing the inner stuff and spitting out fabulous, optimistic and empowering ideas.

But when it comes to doing this for ourselves? Not so much. 

October 2009. As you may or may not know, I lost my job 6 1/2 months ago. Honestly? I didn't belong there. I knew this and so on my way home that same evening {I'm not exaggerating} I said to God, "I know there's a purpose behind all this. I know there's a reason and I'm ready to learn and progress forward. I'm actually excited!"

I filled out unemployment that very evening, searched for other positions available in the area and started making calls within a few days to volunteer while I looked for work. In addition to this, my house got a very thorough Spring cleaning in the Fall, my closets were finally organized to my liking and my husband now had a full-time secretary. Life was good. I was positive. I just knew this was going to be a great journey.

Fast forward to February.

No job. No hopefuls. No license. No. One. Cared. I started getting lost in despair. My life was coming to the end as I knew it. There was simply no hope of ever being the professional counselor I'd once, long ago, dreamed of. Lessons learned? What lessons? SCREW THE LESSONS! I may have a flare for the dramatic. No? 

March. I get my license in the mail. I celebrate. My husband even gets it framed for me. I have an interview for the first time in 2 months. This seems like a dream job. Life is looking up. Enter T-boy. Hopes for the job are dashed. Emotional chaos commences. T-boy takes over my every through and emotion. T-boy leaves. Emotions continue. I have more interviews with agencies that I walked away thinking, "Was that for real? Are they pretending to run a company or am I just crazy?" What about the dream job? Not on the radar at this point as certain things just won't line up. GRR!

April. Is it still April? Oh. I thought it was May. This month is like taking forever. There are times I sit in my house for 3 days straight. I can see depression setting in. Not. Good. At. All.

C and I communicate often. She is a complete inspiration to me and we are very much on the same page when it comes to world view. Of course as my mentor, I've shared all of this with her. Every time I'd email, I'd read back over the email and be completely disgusted with my negativity, but hit send anyway. Of course her responses always line up with what I believe, but I've been a bad client. I can have a good talk and yet my walk is completely non-existent.

But I woke up and now I'm running. 

Want to know what I'm doing? How am I being empowered during such a slump? Why am I acting as if I have everything I want?

Stay tuned... I'll be back tomorrow. Promise.

i love women {et-hem}

I love women. I love their hearts, their emotions, their metaphysical make-up, their silliness, their beauty inwardly and out. I love being a woman. I love feeling my emotions and witnessing the result of paying attention to them. I love the relationship women share; the conversation, the body language, the facial expressions that need no words. I love the understanding women share without having even met. Blogging is a perfect example of that.

This is starting to sound like my Love Letter, but it's not. It's about you as a woman.

You may be wondering "what's your point?" My point is I'm on a mission...a bandwagon...an undertaking...a revolution... I'm calling it Release Me

Release meaning:

Let go of

                                             Liberate

                  Free

                                                                                       Discharge

                            Let Loose

                                                                 Make Public 

Again, C has inspired me with a quote she sent a few days ago.

"All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story. It wants to dissolve like a thousand writhing snakes that with a flick of kindness become harmless strands of rope."

Author Geneen Roth in the book "Women Food and God: 

An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything." 

America isn't very forgiving of feelings, whether our own or someone else's that has been put on us. We grow up in homes where crying is hushed, anger is repressed, excitement is squelched, laughter is quieted, and frustration is explained away. As the quote says "All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness..." It's time to welcome our feelings and be OK with them regardless if those around us are or not.

Too often we dismiss our feelings. Not giving them the proper environment to be heard so we can heal and move forward stronger. Whatever the reason we repress them--fear, embarrassment, timing, reasoning, denial, protecting someone else--it's time for us to know and feel comfortable expressing our feelings. 

We hold our feelings in for the sake of sparing others their feelings. Yet, in turn, whose feelings are being sacrificed? Why is it that we believe someone else is more important?

Feelings aren't right or wrong/should or shouldn't - They are what they are; feelings... and they have a right to be expressed and heard and responded to with kindness.

I'm not sure how this mission is going to play out... but it will be played.

I need your help, your ideas, your vision and your amazing, womanly passions.

Ladies... will you join me in Release Me?

the love letter

Life can be so harsh with all its societal, mental, emotional, social, familial and person demands. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. Yet, those very things can bring such joy when seen through a positive perspective. My amazing mentor and friend, C, sent me this idea as a way to lift not only my spirit, but all those who read and may choose to participate - I'm calling it "The Love Letter" - It's everything I love about life.

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I love sharp cheeses. I love the feeling of a warm blanket on a winter's night. I love the sight of my puppy's tail wagging. I love the feel of my husband's face close to mine. I love movies that make me cry. I love summer. I love a glass of wine on my back porch after a long day. I love perspectives that are different from mine. I love hot baths. I love the feel of Autumn air. I love connecting deeply with friends. I love when life's lessons finally make sense. I love music that moves me to write. I love ice cream. I love watching our horses play in the field. I love that photography stops time. I love the wisdom of my father. I love friends who aren't afraid to speak truth to you. I love rain storms. I love vanilla pudding. I love my memories of staying at my grandma's house. I love that my grandfather found love again. I love that I see life through pictures. I love that my heritage is multifaceted. I love spending Sunday mornings watching movies in bed with my husband. I love getting lost in a magazine. I love that I'm passionate. I how time is inferior when I'm shopping. I love when the weather begs to be enjoyed. I love the sound rushing water. I love that my story isn't a fairytale. I love being home on a rainy day. I love phone calls from good friends. I love road trips while listening to books on CD. I love soy latte's from Starbucks. I love the sound of children laughing. I love diversity of opinions. I love random phone calls from my husband just to say 'hi'. I love spending the whole day in my pajamas. I love funny people. I love other people's stories. I love thinking about the future. I love feeling empowered. I love blogging. I love knowing people I've never met. I love writing stories in my mind even when I'm on the toilet. I love singing in the shower. I love looking at old pictures. I love the innocence of babies.  I love the beach. I love riding my bike. I love working in the yard with my husband. I love my dad. I love having purpose. I love Pennsylvania. I love discovering North Carolina. I love living in a small town. I love girls night out.  I love love.

What do you love? 

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pollen plague?

I've heard of hail, grasshoppers, and fire as plagues coming from the sky...

but pollen? 

Yes, that's my sock :)

pollen paws :)

me thinks so.

mom, faith and a dream

Momma S called my cell phone at 8:15 a.m. Sunday morning. This is not normal. I have a dreadful, awful, pain staking fear that one day I'm going to get a call from her and the news will be that there is something wrong with my dad. So, because of this I answered the phone "What's wrong?!" Nothing. 

She'd had a dream. About me.

Clearly I've been going through a few things. Losing my job in October, fighting my arse off to get my license and family stuff, just to name a couple. All along, I keep in contact with my parents, telling them all the gory details.

As you've been reading things have been more intense the last few weeks and even though T-boy isn't in our home any longer, its after effects are quite lasting and hopefully life changing. With all that said, I think God knew I needed a little encouragement that He's in full control working His mighty hand behind the scenes... this is the dream my mom had.

A DREAM OF CHOICES

Last night I had the most vivid dream of my entire life. I can recall every detail, even the colors in the dream.

Anna and I were taking a trip by car. Anna was driving the whole time, but we decided to take a shortcut to the main road: choice number one. We drove out of town for several miles until we came to a fork in the road. The branch to the left was a paved road with a sign to Dowling Park, but I said I knew that wasn’t the way to the shortcut because I had been that way before. We continued to drive straight ahead: choice number two. Now the road was a red clay road instead of the paved road we had been on. We drove for quite a while until we came to a small “snack shack” on the left side of the road, that was a blue cement block structure with a white roof and trim around the windows. We stopped to get something to drink and noticed that the two girls who worked there were getting ready to close the shop. We asked if they were closing up early and one replied, “The last time this happened the water came right into the store.” That is when we noticed that the shop was right on the ocean and the water was only a couple of feet from the door. The other girl said, “You better leave before you get stuck here,” so we started to drive out of the parking area. We saw that the road to the left was already under water and there were several cars stalled there that had tried to drive through the water, so we turned to the right, which was back the way we had just come: choice number three. We drove up a slight hill and when we got to the top there was nowhere to go because the ocean covered everything in front of us. We looked back behind us and now everything was underwater there too. We were on a small patch of dry ground on top of a hill with nowhere to go! The ocean was a deep blue and completely surrounded us. By this time there were seven people in the car, 2 nines, 2 eights, and 3 threes. (?) I had a feeling that the numbers somehow related to our spirituality. (I was one of the eights.) 

Just then I looked off to the right, into the ocean, and there was a huge wave like a tsunami coming toward us. However, a big wave from the left washed over the car and rocked it back and forth. It got very cold inside the car from the cold ocean water, even though the windows were closed and none of the water came inside. We thought we were going to be pushed off the hill into the ocean and drowned. Everyone suddenly started to pray. It started out quite flowery, but it turned into everyone just shouting, “God help us!” When I opened my eyes, the water was as still as glass with not one ripple in sight, but I saw ominous black clouds over the ocean. Then there were eight tornadoes formed in the clouds headed straight for us! Again we started praying. Some were saying, “God help us” and some were praying, “God save us.” When I opened my eyes the clouds and tornadoes had all turned white, the tornadoes were going off in all directions and dissipating, and the one tornado that was headed toward us became a wispy cloud and disappeared. The man from our car was standing outside on the patch of ground, looking out over the ocean. I’m not sure who he was, but I had the impression that it was Anna’s Dan or Jim Currie. 

We began to sing a song of praise “God is so amazing”, “God can make the sea still”, and “We can feel God’s love now”. We all started to pray that He would make a way for us to get out of the ocean, and He parted the water like the Red Sea, with a wall of water on each side of the car. The sand on the “beach” wasn’t dry though and I remember thinking that if it was dry we could get stuck, but while it was still wet we could drive on it. God thinks of everything!

Anna drove between the walls of water and I told the children in the car not to touch the water because that could break the surface tension and the water would come crashing down on us, so of course one of the kids put his hand out the window and stuck it in the wall of water: choice number four. We drove along with him trailing his hand through the water and I thought, “God loves us so much that He can do anything”. We traveled for a long time and then saw a small island ahead of us. When we got to the island there were a few more people there who had survived the storm. There was a lighthouse on the island, so we all decided to turn the light on so someone would know we were there and come to rescue us: choice number five. After turning on the light, we all thought “Why are we waiting for men to rescue us when God has done everything for us up until now?” So we all prayed that He would open the bridge that went from the island to the mainland: choice number six. He again formed two walls of water, this time on either side of the bridge. We had a caravan of cars driving across this perfectly dry bridge with a wall of water on each side. The caravan drove until we reached the mainland, but that was flooded as well, so we kept going between the walls until they began to get smaller and smaller as the water became shallower. Finally, we drove onto a dry highway that passed through a beautiful meadow full of yellow flowers, under a bright, blue, cloudless sky.

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This dreams has a lot of meanings for me... First and foremost, I personally dream a lot and very vividly and I believe God speaks into my life through dreams all the time. Secondly, for momma S specifically to have had this dream about me means a lot to me; it says to me that she's deeply invested in my life. Lastly, I love numbers. Always have. At first I didn't see the relevance in the numbers and then I looked up what they meant. Here's what I found: 

  

3:

Three stands for that which is solid, real, substantial, complete, and entire.

All things that are specially complete are stamped with this number three.

God's attributes are three: omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence.

There are three great divisions completing time--past, present, and future.

Three persons, in grammar, express and include all the relationships of mankind.

Thought, word, and deed, complete the sum of human capability.

Three degrees of comparison complete our knowledge of qualities.

8: 

As seven was so called because the seventh day was the day of completion and rest, so eight, as the eighth day, was over and above this perfect completion, and was indeed the first of a new series, as well as being the eighth. It is 7 plus 1. Hence it is the number specially associated with Resurrection and Regeneration, and the beginning of a new era or order.

9:
It is the last of the digits, and thus marks the end; and is significant of the conclusion of a matter. 

This whole post may make no sense to you... {and if you got to the end, you deserve a prize!} but this dream told me that God sees me. He hears me. He knows me. He has not left me. He is working behind the scenes and that, my friends, is enough for me to keep on living in faith that He will work all things together for good.